Grace McLaren is a trainer, speaker, and personal coach serving professionals as well as youth and adults for personal development coaching
Why in this world would anyone of us choose to dwell at the appetizer table or suffer from famine when there is a glorious feast of amazing intimacy with reliable, fun sex waiting for us? I am referring to the most amazing relationship one could ever imagine with closeness, friendship, great communication and yes, astounding sex. This kind of relationship can be enjoyed at “feast” level or can suffer at “appetizer or famine” levels! We will come to realize that this relationship does not just occur. It is built on the irrefutable life formula: Every CHOICE is a POTENTIAL HABIT that affects LIFESTYLE.
We can’t be bashful about sex anymore because sex is so prolific in the world and it is eating up our children and throwing them onto a table of famine. We have to be able to talk about sex with our children and let them know that feasting at the table of intimacy is what they really want and need. In order to choose feast over appetizer or famine in relationships/intimacy/sex, we must embrace the greatest challenge we all have by silencing all distractions and actually pondering our life vision for relationships by answering the following questions:
- Do you want to be married, single or divorced?
- Do you want to have STD or not?
- Do you want to be pregnant before or after marriage?
- Do you want to have difficulty getting pregnant or not?
- DO you want to enjoy your sex life or not?
- Do you want to enjoy an amazing relationship with your life partner or not?
- Do you want to be emotionally stable or not?
Remember: This is your feast! And you are deserving of your vision! There is no greater gift for anyone at any age than to ponder and declare your own vision and then ask every day:
Am I ON my vision or OFF my vision!
As with any vision, we have to rely on one thing to get us there: ENERGY. No matter what vision you have while you are reading this article, you are using energy to read it. To ensure energy is managed well in attaining vision, I have categorized energy into three areas:
- Dark Child Chip: This “chip”/energy declares: “I want what I want, when I want it, the way I want it”! It is concerned with only one thing: Immediate gratification! It does not care about the long-term effect of the choice, it does not care about the “feast level” of your vision. It is not interested in listening to other’s input/correction/thoughts. It is fully self-absorbed in the moment of “feel good”. Many visions of having grand sex are destroyed through this energy. This “chip” will take you OFF your vision and leave you in a state of famine with no regard. As long as the immediate “appetizer”/need it met, it is happy.
- Light Child Chip: This “chip”/energy declares: “I want what I want, when I want it, the way I want it, but the choice must be supportive and in alignment of the vision. It is not destructive to the vision. It understands the concept of joy and abundance and lives confidently that this “feast” is readily available. It enjoys what nurtures the soul and vision. It enjoys living ON vision.
- Parent Chip: This “chip”/energy” declares: Hold off! Just wait one second! Let me check the vision before you go jumping into this choice! This “chip” recognizes all the choices available, but is able to discern the ones that are supportive of the vision defined and ones that are destructive of the vision defined. The critical words noted in equipping the parent to guide are “vision defined”! The better the vision is defined, the more equipped the parent chip is in guiding you through choices. This chip assesses the choice against the vision and then declared: APPROVED or DENIED based on the question: Will this choice put me ON my vision or take me OFF my vision?
One final note that needs to be clarified on energy is the irrefutable formula:
For every CHOICE is a POTENTIAL HABIT that affects LIFESTYLE.
Energy allows us to make choices. The “dark child chip” says: As long as it feels good and it appears to be my vision, it’s okay to do. But, the problem is the trajectory of that choice is often times destructive to the vision. You get to enjoy the “appetizer” of your vision, but you will usually end up living in famine. If the Parent Chip is in charge and the choice goes through that chip, then the light child takes over and vision is fulfilled and there is a feast of a vision waiting for you!
We also have to respect that we are living in a world of immediate gratification. If you want it, you just call out to “Alexa” and she will fetch it, play it or get it done for you immediately. The world has provided a pill to answer almost any problem for sleep, anxiety, attention, sex and more. Yes, the world has given all the erroneous thought that you can be sexually fulfilled by touching a button or having a “quickie” with the drunkest person in the room. If your vision is to enjoy the feast, you need to know: You are in contradiction to the world view of sex. It’s appeal is to the “dark child chip” to get you to leave the “feast and to go the appetizer table that leads to famine.
With that said, let’s assess some of the choices available to attain your vision:
- Pornography: It’s easy, quick, and seemingly safe from all sexually transmitted disease.
- Multiple sexual partners
- Dating without sex
- Grand sex with single partner – in marriage.
*You may add your choices as we walk through this formula.
How do I choose? I go back to what is my VISION and fully define it:
Enjoying amazing, gloriously grand, great intimacy/sex and relationship with my spouse. In my early days before marriage, my vision was the same except I would add: STD Free, pregnancy after marriage, ease in getting pregnant, no divorce, single marriage.
Then, I walk every choice through the life formula and learn which “chip” tends to take the lead with each choice and if it will lead me to be on my vision or off my vision.
|Choice||Habit||Lifestyle||Energy/”Chip” in Charge/ On or Off Vision|
|Pornography||Longing for sex, punch a button, hand becomes your friend and immediate for “feelings” of intimacy are met, but it is all staged, it is a lie||Lack of confidence in sexual activity due to challenge in duplicating what was viewed, inability to enjoy sex due to erectile dysfunction, lack of ability to enjoy full relationships with the opposite sex||DARK CHILD CHIP and no PARENT CHIP
OFF VISION as defined
|Multiple Sexual Partners||Seeking a person who is willing to have sex rather than a person who is best for you, immediate need for sex is met, followed by increased feeling of abandonment, risk of STD/pregnancy||Broken relationships as the relationship is based more on sex than on each other and on the skill of enjoying one another and working through problems||DARK CHILD CHIP and no PARENT CHIP
Off VISION as defined above
|Dating without sex||Developing the skills to build a strong relationship, to wisely choose partners you like and with whom spending time, delayed sexual needs, immediate relationship needs met||Enjoying full relationship with full knowledge of not only how to have fun, but to also communicate and resolve problems||PARENT CHIP and LIGHT CHIP
ON VISION as defined above
|Grand Sex with Single Partner – Marriage||Establishing a relationship that is well balanced to eventually include amazing sex in which the partners are committed to mutual joy, delayed sexual needs, immediate relationship needs met||Partners working together on their vision board for intimacy to include sex, cuddling, touch, talk and more!||PARENT CHIP and LIGHT CHILD CHIP
ON VISION as defined above
The world tries to portray most “appetizers” as a “feast”. Many “appetizers” leave you empty and longing for more and risking your living a famine-filled life suffering with STD’s, difficulties in getting pregnant, difficulties in relationships, emotional upheaval, divorce, pornography/sexual addictions, brokenness, emptiness and more. But, when armed with a clearly defined vision of what you want in relationships, your challenge is to move to your “parent chip” and assess the formula of that choice up against habit and potential lifestyle and compare that projected lifestyle against your “feast” of a vision.
It is time to claim that the world is presenting a lie to us with so many empty choices. We can and have a right to be all we aim to be and have all we aim to have when we declare it in a vision, and align our energy and choices to support that vision and claim our seat at the feast of our vision.
Grace McLaren, M.Ed. Counseling and Personnel